Rainbow
by Arrysa
Summary: 1. Hikaru muses about his illusion. 2. Hikaru's life is like a cloud. 3. Hikaru's sign came from lightning. 4. Hikaru hated then finally hoped. 5. Hikaru cried. Drabble.
1. Mist

**Note:** This is a set of drabble for Random Hikago Event on tumblr. This is **Unbetaed** and written hastily. I apologize to grammatical errors.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Hikaru no Go so don't sue me if I tell otherwise.

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 **~Rainbow~**

 **Mist/Illusion**  
Fleeting thoughts, blissful fleeting thoughts inside his head. It fills him up with made up scenes - new memories - mixed up with his already existing memories, overlapping it with oh-so-bitter filled scenes. Lovely, traitorous thoughts of fan, of pale hand, of long violet hair, of warmth. It is confusing. He couldn't exactly pinpoint which was his real memories or if it was an illusion to protect his fragile, weak mind and heart.

It doesn't matter though, he was already broken. What's more to add on his already inflamed wounded heart?

 _"Hikaru, let's play Go!" Demanding, annoying childish voice screamed near his ear as Sai - his personal ghost Go mentor - embraced him from behind. However from his position he still could see Sai's violet eyes wide with pure elation for the game as it glows magnificently. He could only try to get off Sai from him as he flail around due to embarrassment and agreeing to Sai's request - order - in exchange of letting him go. Despite it all, he couldn't stop the ever-growing warmth on his chest filling him with so much happiness he felt like bursting._ That was a memory.

 _"Waah! Is that people inside the magic box?" High-pitched voice shrieked in a very un-manly voice. And he stared at the person with a scowl schooled on his face yet his eyes glistened with pure fondness at his mentor's childish antiques. 'Never change, Sai.'_ That was a memory too.

 _"I miss you, Hikaru." Soft sad voice whispers like a soft wisp on the wind. But he could hear it oh-so-loudly despite the ringing on his ears. He opened his mouth, words of denial - disagreement - ready on his lips yet Sai disappeared so suddenly so abruptly he doubted that he even saw him in the first place but the stinging on his eyes proves otherwise._ That was an.. illusion.

Powerful numbing illusion of fake memories; breaking, making him. And he will think of all the unsaid words between them. _'I miss you too, Sai..'_ Like a child longing for an unreachable wish to reach the sky amidst the mist.

But it is all a fleeting thought, his illusions would never be real just like the way his thoughts would never reach past his lips.

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 **A/N: Read** and **Review** please. :)) I might added more drabbles.


	2. Cloud

**Note:** Please just ignore any inconsistency in this drabble and any reference you could see *hides* This drabble is so weird and embarrassing and I only wrote it for an hour.

 **~Rainbow~**

 **Cloud/Aloof and always drifting**

The story of his life is like a cloud; aloof and drifting in the vast clear blue sky. He didn't know when he viewed his life like that but it did and he is quite alright with it. At a young age he is drifting within his passion for soccer, the monochrome black and white soccer ball filled his life ever so softly, giving him the thrill and necessary push he wanted as a young child. He wanted to be a great soccer player by then.

When Sai came to his life - abruptly, suddenly - it.. _he_ changed him for the better. At first it was suffocating, an unwelcome intrusion, giving him nausea at the pit of his stomach making him puke giving him uncomfortable cold feeling like it was greatly attached on his very soul in a tight leash – which was most likely the case. However, slowly but surely he changed for the better, when he found his new passion introduced to him by the thousand year old Heian ghost Go tutor.

He discovered Go, that board game he doesn't like at first as it looks so boring and only played by old men but soon he learned to love the game with passion. Go is always changing, evolving, like a cloud moving and changing shapes at the passage of time. He learned that playing Go is fun, more than his school works that he tends to forget, more than soccer.

Soon his passion for soccer drifted into something better. Playing Go with all the fervour he had as he strived to catch up with his sworn rival is better, much better. He wanted to prove himself. He wasn't just a brat. He would show Touya that he wasn't weak that he would be strong the same as him and stronger than him. And he would defeat him then Touya would look at him to see him as Hikaru not Sai.

Go wasn't only for fun, he later realized. Go is exciting, thrilling, he wanted to improve more and he knew it wasn't for the fun he experienced but to better himself, for his future. Later, he began to see life of playing Go. He wanted to enter that world, he wanted to play all the game he can, all the better game he can create. He wanted to see more of the mesmerizing heaven that he would create on every game he plays.

Through Go, he drifted more and more for the better. Meet new people, meet new friends, play new games, create beautiful plays and he wanted more of it. He wanted to be better on playing Go. It's not only about making a name for himself but for playing the game itself. A life without Go, he couldn't envision such a life, it never even occurred to him.

Then Sai sudden disappeared without preamble, without any form of goodbye aside from that accursed last unfinished game just like a drifting cloud.

He thought Sai would come back, because if Sai is like a cloud he would surely drift back to him. Yet he didn't, not now maybe.. later? And still he waited.

If Sai is a cloud, he would surely come back, right? .. _Right?_

Then he remembered, it was a sudden epiphany and he was even a bigger idiot for not realizing it. Sai couldn't even be compared to a cloud because Sai never drifted. He is constant, a force to be reckoned, an entity of his own, incomparable, accepting of all, a guiding hand who encompasses him. And now that he is gone.. _'No! There must be a way!'_

Thus he pleaded, begged, bargained to God. "Please return things to the beginning! Return time to when I first met him!" And his pleas remained unanswered.

"Ahhhhh!" He screamed and screamed until his throat was hoarse. He cried and cried until he cry no more. His heart breaks, his soul scream with anguish, a part of him is missing and he couldn't live without that part of him being returned.

Sai would come back, he would, he surely will. Because what's a cloud without his sky?

 _Nothing_.

 **A/N: Kindly leave a review *insert smiley here***


	3. Lightning

**~Rainbow~**

 **Lightning/Sign**

 _Sai didn't return…_

How foolish of him to believe that his wish would be granted. He knew that every person walking on Earth must have asked for their wishes to be heard, he shouldn't have expected that his would be any different from the others but he couldn't help but think that maybe God would hear him. Still, it didn't stop him from thinking, wishing, and hoping that Sai would return and he would be a good host, he would do anything to make Sai happy.

But Sai hadn't returned yet and there was only the silence.

That unbearable silence that had descended unto his life since Boy's Day struck him. There wasn't an incessant noise upon waking up, no demanding voice to ask him for a game of Go, nothing at all that would distract him at the uncomfortable silence and the depressing thoughts that had enveloped him in an electrifying hold.

He leaned on the wall next to the window siling, his face tilted upward towards the sky and his eyes still, always staring ahead at the darkening sky; dark cloud hovering above and lightening from time to time.

' _Sai…'_

Then a lightning struck somewhere.

The sudden loud noise caught him off guard from his thoughts that he jerked from his position. Yet, in few seconds, he still continued staring above him, this time with a forlorn expression on his face and oddly a little hopeful on his murky green eyes.

He had a sudden thought that the lightning must be the sign that the God heard his prayer, his only prayer that Sai would return.

' _Why now?'_ the thought crossed his mind but he squashed his doubt. The God heard him and that was all that matter.

…Maybe the God wanted him to do his part first before they return Sai to him…

 _That's right._

He should stop playing Go until God granted him his wish. Then maybe, someday… Sai would return to him as if nothing happened.

He closed his eyes as if in prayer, he wasn't a religious person but he wanted Sai to return, needed Sai to return back to him that's why… he would do his part, he would stop playing Go.

 _Please return…_

As he wished one more time, the lightning struck and a deal was made, then hereby sealed. That was the thought that crossed on his mind.

Starting that day, Shindou Hikaru would stop playing Go… until Sai return – _no_ even when Sai returned he would not play anymore.

The lightning continued like the hope that had blossomed on his shattered heart, its deep rumble loud on his ringing ears. However, the teen could only think of one thing, and that was for the return of his companion, of his _family._

 _Please return, Sai. I need you…_

 **A/N: Kindly leave a review**


	4. Storm

**Rainbow**

 **Storm/Hatred**

' _I'm not playing anymore.'_

What part of that sentence they couldn't understand? Why did they keep asking him of why he wouldn't play. Couldn't they see, that he didn't deserve to play the game, how his selfishness made someone dear to him disappear, that he was doing this for a reason?

Of course, they couldn't.

After all, no one knew Sai, only him. They didn't know it was his fault that such a bright, brilliant and genius person left because of his bratty selfish self. They didn't know it was his fault that Sai disappeared. They didn't know that he robbed a genius person from the Go world.

They didn't know that his partner left him…

' _I'm sorry, Touya.'_

He ran, away from those accusing eyes. Those eyes that wanted to play him, who continued looking at him and seeing Sai, not Hikaru.

He continued running, until he couldn't hear the words and even the shouts from his rival. He wanted Touya to play Sai, and yet he wanted Touya to see him, as _Hikaru_ , and not Sai. Because of that selfishness Sai had disappeared, his Go tutor left him.

He vowed that he wouldn't play for himself until - no even when Sai return.

If only he wasn't so selfish, but he knew no matter how much he regret his actions, Sai already left him, the sole person who helped him, left him without saying anything. Maybe, Sai hated him, for not letting him shine like a beckoning star at the center of the Go world.

"SAI!"

Yet no matter how long he plead, even when he screamed the name of the person who taught him how to love Go, Sai had not responded, had not returned and there was only silence in his consciousness. In turn, it made loneliness grip his heart, it left him choking, gasping for air, the name Sai on his lips. Sadness followed and it made way for doubt, the thought of _Sai wouldn't return, why would he return to a selfish brat who would shun him?_

The thought caught his breath, eyes wide, head shaking. Because, he wouldn't do it anymore. Still, the words he said, the declaration he once said against the Kaoi Go Teacher made him feel the worst person alive. How could he say something like that?! He had been a selfish idiot.

He hated himself, for the things he did that shouldn't be done. He hated himself, if he didn't love Go, if he wasn't an attention seeking person, then Sai wouldn't left.

It was his fault Sai disappeared.

And the only way he could fix the mistakes he did, to make up for the Go tutor he failed was to stop playing the game.

Then he hated himself because he wanted to play, his hands itched with every move. He hated his traitorous heart for thudding against his will, for his mind to think of different paths, for the adrenaline rush running on his veins. He had vowed to stop playing Go, to not want it. But as he continued playing the game for Isumi's sake, there was nothing more he could do but hate for breaking the vow he made himself, for not being strong enough to stop the temptation.

As the game progressed as he got sucked deeper into the game, heart thumping against his ribcage and mind enraptured by the moves played on the board, he could only hate himself for wanting to play.

He knew he should stop the game but he couldn't, he was far gone into it. Even if his heart was inwardly breaking at the clashing emotions inside him, he hoped that Sai would forgive him for this one game, for being a lesser man, for falling on the sweet trap.

Finally, in one swift move, as if he was watching his hand as it played on the board in slow motion, he hated himself for another reason.

He was really an idiot. Because all this time, he had been… blind. But he couldn't hate himself any more than he already did. After all, there was no room in his heart for hate as hope bloomed in its place.

 **A/N: I think I am doing a bad job at my chosen themes. If there is confusion, this drabble is canon based. Now, this is the part were Hikaru found Sai in his Go during his match against Isumi.**


	5. Rain

**Rainbow**

 **Rain/Tears**

Tears, it fell on his eyes, it flows freely and he couldn't help as his body heaves and sob. Because right now, he felt so happy to finally _see_. He had been blind, and now Hikaru found him, he found Sai on the Go he played, on the Go he would play.

The tears won't stop falling, and he keep sobbing.

He didn't care.

 _Let it fall._

 _You had been here all along. You, who I couldn't find anywhere is here in the Goban before me, in the way I play…_

Hikaru's body were racked with sob, his shoulders shook, his hands keep shaking and his sight were blurred. He couldn't see clearly but Hikaru still stared at his hands, the one that played _those moves_ , those moves he knew so well.

 _You were here all along!_

He was choking on his own throat, his minds were muddled and he was crying so much.

Hikaru tried to stop his tears, almost bringing his knuckles over his eyes but he stopped from that motion. He didn't want this tears to stop.

There was pachi echoing on his ears, the familiar sound of Go Stones against the Goban.

 _Sai played those moves._

He blinked his tears away but it wouldn't stop falling. It wasn't stopping and Hikaru realized that all his emotions came rushing back to him that he cried even more.

Hikaru remembered those silent nights, alone on his thoughts, the lightning as he vowed to never play again, and his hatred of himself for causing his mentor to disappear. His shoulder shook.

 _Sai had been here all along!_

He felt so relieved, so happy, so… _everything_. Sai hadn't completely left him.

Hikaru brought his arms on his eyes, rubbing on it, trying to stop the tears but it still fall and it only made his sleeve wet of tears. He kept staring at the beautiful dance of black and white on the Goban.

 _I… I…_

"Maybe I'm allowed to play… Go…"

That admission coming from his lips only made him cry louder. He continued rubbing his eyes with his arm, knowing that when his tears finally stopped he could start once again.

 **A/N: Kindly leave a review**


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